Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
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“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.