@Chumpstring

patient: i wanna feel young again

doctor: have you tried moving into a bad apartment and selling marijuana

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@TheCiscoKidder

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

@thelateinnings

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

@iLikeCatShirts

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

@neonorchid1

I wish “it’s the thought that counts” worked for housework.

@KWalps

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

@TweetPotato314

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

@daddydoubts

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.