After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
patient: i wanna feel young again
doctor: have you tried moving into a bad apartment and selling marijuana
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cop: did anyone follow you here
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I think they could have phrased this better
I wish “it’s the thought that counts” worked for housework.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: was your son fed?
Me: in bed on time?
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.