Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
You Might Also Like
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
plums roundup
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Incredible customer service.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water