Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

never forget

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?