Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
The song “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan just hits different when Dr. Frankenstein sings it.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.