PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
You Might Also Like
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
My blood type is b hungry.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
who called it a toilet and not an IP address