Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Growing out my freckles.

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier