Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

🎉🥳

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.