Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.