PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like