[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
She was REALLY feeling it.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
welcome back
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
