[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
