Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*