Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose