Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
won’t smith
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room