Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
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My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river