Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”