Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”