Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
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(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
why am I working on Labor Day
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.