Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legend 🤣🤣

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

barbara was highly relatable

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

🍂🕷️🍂

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.