Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao