Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!
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6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT