Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
(True)
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.