Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

TRAIN’S HERE

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

My new favorite headline

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*