Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
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Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
seems like a niche market
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right