Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Everyone’s family

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

#growingpains

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day