Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
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me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
girls literally only want one thing..
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
The Joker was right
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*