If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?