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Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
a badder mouse
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.