Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
me when somebody idk start touching me
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
