Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
i wish all
whales
a very
big
This rocks
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.