Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
