Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.