Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations