Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.