Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

My love language is hissing.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.