Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

plums roundup

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby