*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
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dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Good morning
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.