*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
don’t we all
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.