Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

Wait a minute

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

not seeing the problem

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok