*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
You Might Also Like
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Just added something to my bucket list.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
The Birdles
Welcome to the stomach
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really