Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”