Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
WHY?!
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Inside you there are two wolves
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.