Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

Meme Monday.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.