paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
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My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic