Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream