*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
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You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
