Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

(more comics:

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house