Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.