Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
