Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

If a snake ate a cake

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.