Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex. he is a small arms dealer.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
*watches precisely one documentary*
hello, everyone. i am here to talk about the Oklahoma City bombing which happened in 1995. please pull out your notepad and pen and i will begin my seminar shortly