With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?
Leave it to the idiot hippys to adopt a “holiday” on Hitler’s Birthday. Merica.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
A horror movie with an all black cast
“Ayo what’s that noise in your basement?”
“None of my business”
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”