@AndrewsNotFunny

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

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@LittleMissZesty

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

@ibid78

[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah

@rebrafsim

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

@mister_blank

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

@juliecursively

HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?

@CloydRivers

Leave it to the idiot hippys to adopt a “holiday” on Hitler’s Birthday. Merica.

@Reverend_Scott

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

@BlvckGrip

A horror movie with an all black cast

“Ayo what’s that noise in your basement?”

“None of my business”

“You right”

*credits*

@JaySaysStuff

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

@JediGigi

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”