@AndrewsNotFunny

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

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@tinytittays

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.

@Book_Krazy

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

@tarashoe

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

@msdanifernandez

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

@thegreatnanak

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

@yeetztweetz

*watches precisely one documentary*
hello, everyone. i am here to talk about the Oklahoma City bombing which happened in 1995. please pull out your notepad and pen and i will begin my seminar shortly