Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Anyone really
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.