*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
You Might Also Like
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
When I snag the last meatball.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
me refusing to leave twitter
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
same but as an audience member