Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?