Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots: