Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
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The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
this was the best i’ve ever seen
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.