Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

Thrilling chase underway

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.