Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.