Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.