*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
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me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
“Huge”.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages