Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

Generation gap…

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.