Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
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The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
This is sending me to another galaxy
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun