Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

more water

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

going to bed

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.