Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.