Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.