Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this