Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
incredible
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
You sure about that?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
i need a six-month vacation twice a year