Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.