Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Sheep
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
It will always be this
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.