*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
This is amazing.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks