@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way