Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Every
Single
Year

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

What personal space?

My dog

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?