@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
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Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
See..?
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Reminder:
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.