@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
You Might Also Like
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
We need more people like this.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.