@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
You Might Also Like
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Spring of Deception
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
🍛
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
