Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

checking out some reviews of my local library

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake