@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
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Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex