Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.