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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.