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Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”